Arranged Marriage

Anybody have a camcorder Muslamics can borrow? (Check out the application form, and the request will make sense!)

Arranged Marriage TV

The Emmy-nominated producers of PROJECT RUNWAY and TOP CHEF presents ARRANGED MARRIAGE!

Lifetime Television and Magical Elves, the production company behind such hits as Project Greenlight (HBO), Top Chef (Emmy-nominated) and Project Runway (Emmy-nominated / Peabody Award-winning), are teaming up to introduce America to an ancient practice that may have a great deal to teach our modern relationships.

It's a way of finding a lifelong mate that works in many cosmopolitan cultures of today, and over the course of their first year of marriage, four couples will show us how our own culture can embrace and make love work - when marriage comes first.

We are looking for four people who will ask their closest loved ones - whether family or friends - to team up and choose a spouse for them; they know you, they love you, they want what's best for you; they may even have better judgment about who would make a good lifetime partner for you.

You must be ready to commit to marriage. Your loved ones will match you with someone based on shared goals, values, experiences and the commitment to making it work. It will be a leap of faith that this choice will be the basis for a healthy, loving, sturdy relationship, and you must be willing to make the leap.

Click here to apply today!
Click here for more information.
"Hat tip": Asma Men

Love & Marriage: from the Single Jewish Female Perspective

This could just as easily have been the insight of a single Muslim female:

People often compare dating to interviewing for a job. In the Orthodox Jewish world, this notion is taken almost literally.

Upon returning from post-high-school studies in [apartheid] Israel, young Orthodox women (such as myself) meet with recruiters, commonly known as shadchanim (matchmakers). After determining whether the young woman wishes to marry a "learner" (a man studying full time in yeshiva), an "earner" (a professional) or a combination of the two, the shadchan collects the prospective bride's "shidduch résumé," detailing everything from education and career plans to dress size, height, parents' occupations and synagogue memberships. The shadchan then approaches a suitable single man or, most likely, his parents -- who add the woman to their son's typically lengthy "list."

Before agreeing to a noncommittal first date, the man's parents begin a thorough background check that puts government security clearance to shame. Phoning references isn't enough -- of course they'll say good things -- so they cold-call other acquaintances of the potential bride, from camp counselors to college roommates. The questions they ask often border on the superficial: "Does she own a Netflix account?"; "Does she wear open-toed shoes?" (The correct response may vary depending on how Orthodox a woman the man is looking for.)
. . .
Sensing this shift of power, mothers of sons who remain in the matchmaking system increase their demands: Any prospective daughter-in-law must be a size two, or a "learner" son must be supported indefinitely by the girl's parents. For men, "it's a buyer's market," says Michael Salamon, a psychologist and author of "The Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures" (2008). "And the pressures of dating are creating all kinds of social problems, such as eating disorders and anxiety disorders. It's frightening."

I used to shrug off this talk. Genocide in Darfur is a crisis; being single at 23 is not. But the communal pressure is hard to ignore. Orthodox Judaism, like most traditional faiths, is geared to families; singles lack a definitive role.

Then there's what social worker Shaya Ostrov calls the "popcorn effect." During the first two to three years following high-school graduation, 70% to 80% of Orthodox women get married; weddings then peter off. "The system works for a very limited period of time," says Mr. Ostrov, the author of "The Inner Circle: Seven Gates to Marriage." Friends of mine compare dating to musical chairs; nobody wants to end up an "old maid," and so they get engaged, hoping doubts will prove unfounded. "Young women," notes Sylvia Barack Fishman, professor of contemporary Jewish life at Brandeis University, "are often made to feel that they are damaged goods if they have not married -- and married well -- by their early 20s."
. . .
The core of the problem is that young marrieds don't know how to accommodate each other, says Mr. Salamon. And singles need to start asking the right questions. "Family history has nothing to do with whether you'll make a good husband or wife," he says. The rigid, interview-style questioning is only wreaking havoc: "They're looking for some sort of guarantee. But who can guarantee happiness?"

Full Story: Wall Street Journal
"Hat tip": Mansur Wadalwala

Yemen child bride Nujood Ali gets divorce

The 10-year-old was married off to a man in his 30s who abused her. She made her way to a courthouse, found a lawyer and broke free.

By Borzou Daragahi, Los Angeles Times Staff Writer
June 11, 2008

SANA, YEMEN -- The little girl was waist-high, so small that the lawyers, clerks and judges hurrying through the courthouse almost missed her.

As lunchtime arrived and the crowds of noisy men and women cleared away, a curious judge asked her what she was doing sitting alone on a bench.

"I came to get a divorce," 10-year-old Nujood Ali told the jurist.

Her impoverished parents had married her off to a man more than three times her age, who beat her and forced her to have sex, she explained. When she told her father and mother that she wanted out of the marriage, they refused to help. So an aunt provided her with bus money to travel to court and seek a divorce.

Full story here

Love & Marriage: the California Way

Big news this morning:

In a much-anticipated ruling issued Thursday, the California Supreme Court struck down the state's ban on same-sex marriage as unconstitutional.

Several gay and lesbian couples, along with the city of San Francisco and gay rights groups, sued to overturn state laws allowing only marriages between a man and a woman.

"There can be no doubt that extending the designation of marriage to same-sex couples, rather than denying it to all couples, is the equal protection remedy that is most consistent with our state's general legislative policy and preference," said the 120-page ruling.

It said that the state law's language "limiting the designation of marriage to a 'union between a man and a woman' is unconstitutional, and that the remaining statutory language must be understood as making the designation of marriage available to both opposite-sex and same-sex couples."

With the ruling, California becomes the second state to allow same-sex couples to legally wed. Massachusetts adopted the practice in 2004, and couples don't need to be state residents to wed there.
...
Oral arguments in the case in March lasted more than three hours, a sign of the political and legal issues at stake. Six cases were consolidated.

Groups saying they were promoting a pro-family agenda had vowed to fight a statewide law allowing same-sex marriage.

"The government should promote and encourage strong families," said Glen Lavy of the Alliance Defense Fund. "The voters realize that defining marriage as one man and one woman is important because the government should not, by design, deny a child both a mother and father."

An appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court is likely. The federal high court has never addressed the question of same-sex marriage.

Full Story: California ban on same-sex marriage struck down

My incoherent thoughts in no particular order (taken from various conversations I've had this morning):

It's a situation of church and state separation. The second you remove the religious basis from the argument against gay marriage, there is no logical explanation for the ban. None, whatsoever. The lamest ones I've heard (and yes the government lawyers did attempt to use some of these before the Supreme Court:

1. Marriage is traditionally between a man and a woman.*Well, remember our traditions of lynching people? Or our traditional ban on interracial marriage?
2. Procreation: gay couples cannot procreate and thus should not be allowed to marry. *Many straight couples are infertile. Should they also not be allowed to marry?
3. Domestic partnerships are sufficient. Same sex couples can get the same rights straight couple get via marriage thru registered domestic partnerships. *Separate but equal isn't Constitutional. Refer to the school integration cases for a full explanation on that one..
   

It's really awkward seeing Muslims get upset about this decision. I understand what the mainstream Islamic approach to homosexuality is, and I'm not disagreeing with that. However, we need to be able to distinguish the two necessary approaches to this situation:

1. The Islamic law approach
2. The civil rights advocate approach

The problem is the two overlap for a lot of us.

I don't have a solution per se. How do you reconcile your Islamic beliefs with a concern for fairness in this society? (Remember, we have not earned an Islamic state. We do not live in one. If we can all shape up and attain that, the discussion of appropriate laws in that setting can be had.) What I can say is the solution is not for us to get upset and vile, attempting to advocate for a selective separation of church and state. Oh yes the government should not impose Christianity on us, but it should on same sex couples?

Maybe a better solution is to:

1. Educate ourselves so that we fully understand Islam's approach to homosexuality. You'd be surprised at some of the hateful comments I'v seen just this morning.
2. Properly be able to distinguish between the two approaches to the issue.
3. Realize that here and now, today, the American Muslim community has other fish to fry:

• Muslim couples are having issues adopting homeless children because of their faith.
• Guantanamo Bay is still up and running.
• McCain's spiritual adviser wants to annihilate Islam
• Today marks 60 years of occupation in Palestine. 60 years of apartheid, oppression and state sponsored terrorism.
  

And we're going to get upset because the court has decided that two people of the same gender can now share health plans?

In the end, Allah (swt) knows best.

***This is one of those times where we really want to hear from readers. We are curious to know what you think. All thoughts (except the hateful kind) are welcomed. Comment anonymously if you please, but do comment.***

Love & Marriage: the Saudi Way?

The NY Times got an inside scoop on how love stories are built in the Kingdom:

“Girls? I have something to tell you,” Alia faltered, appearing to sway slightly on her high heels. She paused anxiously, and the next words came out in a rush. “I’ve gotten engaged!” There was a chorus of shrieks at the surprise announcement and Alia burst into tears, as did several of the other girls.

Ms. Othman’s mother smiled knowingly and left the room, leaving the girls to their moment of emotion. The group has been friends since they were of middle-school age, and Alia would be the first of them to marry.

A cellphone picture of Alia’s fiancé — a 25-year-old military man named Badr — was passed around, and the girls began pestering Alia for the details of her showfa. A showfa — literally, a “viewing” — usually occurs on the day that a Saudi girl is engaged.

A girl’s suitor, when he comes to ask her father for her hand in marriage, has the right to see her dressed without her abaya.

In some families, he may have a supervised conversation with her. Ideally, many Saudis say, her showfa will be the only time in a girl’s life that she is seen this way by a man outside her family.

The separation between the sexes in Saudi Arabia is so extreme that it is difficult to overstate. Saudi women may not drive, and they must wear black abayas and head coverings in public at all times. They are spirited around the city in cars with tinted windows, attend girls-only schools and university departments, and eat in special “family” sections of cafes and restaurants, which are carefully partitioned from the sections used by single male diners.
...
Most of the girls say their faith, in the strict interpretation of Islam espoused by the Wahhabi religious establishment here, runs very deep. They argue a bit among themselves about the details — whether it is acceptable to have men on your Facebook friend list, or whether a male first cousin should ever be able to see you without your face covered — and they peppered this reporter with questions about what the young Saudi men she had met were thinking about and talking about.

But they seem to regard the idea of having a conversation with a man before their showfas and subsequent engagements with very real horror. When they do talk about girls who chat with men online or who somehow find their own fiancés, these stories have something of the quality of urban legends about them: fuzzy in their particulars, told about friends of friends, or “someone in my sister’s class.”

Well-brought-up unmarried young women here are so isolated from boys and men that when they talk about them, it sometimes sounds as if they are discussing a different species.

Questions for the Fiancé

Later that evening, over fava bean stew, salad, and meat-filled pastries, Alia revealed that she was to be allowed to speak to her fiancé on the phone. Their first phone conversation was scheduled for the following day, she said, and she was so worried about what to say to Badr that she was compiling a list of questions.

“Ask him whether he likes his work,” one of her friends suggested. “Men are supposed to love talking about their work.”

“Ask him what kind of cellphone he has, and what kind of car,” suggested another. “That way you’ll be able to find out how he spends his money, whether he’s free with it or whether he’s stingy.”
...
It is considered embarrassing to admit to much strong feeling for a fiancé before the wedding and, before their engagements, any kind of contact with a man is out of the question. Even so, young women here sometimes resort to clandestine activities to chat with or to meet men, or simply to catch a rare glimpse into the men’s world.

Though it is as near to hand as the offices they pass each morning on the way to college, or the majlis, a traditional home reception room, where their fathers and brothers entertain friends, the men’s world is so remote from them that some Saudi girls resort to disguise in order to venture into it.

At Prince Sultan University, where Atheer Jassem al-Othman, 18, is a first-year law student, a pair of second-year students recently spent a mid-morning break between classes showing off photographs of themselves dressed as boys.

In the pictures, the girls wore thobes, the ankle-length white garments traditionally worn by Saudi men, and had covered their hair with the male headdresses called shmaghs. One of the girls had used an eyeliner pencil to give herself a grayish, stubble-like mist along her jaw line. Displayed on the screens of the two girls’ cellphones, the photographs evoked little exclamations of congratulation as they were passed around.

“A lot of girls do it,” said an 18-year-old named Sara al-Tukhaifi who explained that a girl and her friends might cross-dress, sneaking thobes out of a brother’s closet, then challenge each other to enter the Saudi male sphere in various ways, by walking nonchalantly up to the men-only counter in a McDonalds, say, or even by driving.
...
Flirting by Phone

A woman can’t switch her phone’s Bluetooth feature on in a public place without receiving a barrage of the love poems and photos of flowers and small children which many Saudi men keep stored on their phones for purposes of flirtation. And last year, Al Arabiya television reported that some young Saudis have started buying special “electronic belts,” which use Bluetooth technology to discreetly beam the wearer’s cellphone number and e-mail address at passing members of the opposite sex.

Full Story: Love on Girls' Side of the Saudi Divide

Are You Looking to Get Married?

Let's face it. The question is on everybody's mind, particularly in the Southern California Muslim community. It's to be expected. We're averaging one engagement announcement a week. Additionally, it's not unheard of to end up attending several wedding parties a month (sometimes all in the same weekend).

So I ask again, are you looking to get married? If your answer to that is "yes" it appears MS Office is looking to help you out. How? They're attempting to save you from the worst faux pas ever by providing "marriage resume" (a.k.a. bio-data) templates!

Check it out: Microsoft Office Online

On a serious note, check out this great marriage piece at Muslim Matters discussing the problems and weaknesses of the current matchmaking structure.

Child Marriages in Islam....choice or force?

Child wedding 'stopped by pupils'

Classmates of a 13-year-old Bangladeshi school girl due to enter a forced marriage have united to stop the ceremony going ahead, police say.

Around 50 pupils in the town of Satkhira took to the streets to demand that Habiba Sultana's wedding be called off, they say.

Pupils even submitted a petition to police urging them to take action.

Police summoned Habiba's father and ordered him to stop the girl's marriage, which they said was illegal.

Her father was told to sign a bond in which he promised not marry off his daughter while she is still a child, the Bangladesh Daily Star reported.

It said that the wedding was to have taken place in the south-western town of Satkhira in Friday.

Police say that Habiba, a student of Abdul Karim Girls' High School, did not agree when her poverty-stricken father arranged for her to marry a 23-year-old neighbour.

Police say that she was too frightened to protest.

When she told her friends about the impending wedding, they rallied round and urged her not to go ahead.

Parents of her friends contacted Habiba's father and tried to stop him from going ahead with the wedding.

Initially he ignored their protests, but changed his mind after the police were alerted and small protests were held outside the school.

Correspondents say that the stand of the schoolgirls has created a stir in the town.

Like many other parts of the country - young people in Satkhira are deferential to their parents and seldom question their commands.

Story from BBC NEWS:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/pr/fr/-/2/hi/south_asia/6897188.stm

Published: 2007/07/13 10:30:15 GMT

© BBC MMVII